Well, It's Because Your an Asshole

I have a new customer.

He's one of those nutless types who lets the waitresses tell him which girls to sleep with. Naturally, I ignored him for several months, so he eventually built up so much lust for me he overrode the wishes of the hater waiters and invited me to sit with him.

First, he asked me why I never visited with him in the past. I sweetly explained I have too much business to interact with the men who court stripper harems. I don't stoop to fighting through a crowd of strippers for money, and I'm not a prostitute who needs money in the same way they do. Louis Vuitton is not one of my desires, but I'll gladly let you buy me a Birkin, baby. He smiled that smile, the one that says, "Oh, yeah, we'll see about that", and sent me on my way.

A few days later, he was back for more honesty (or what he felt was honesty, because yes, I do lie to the men to make more money--bygones), and he shooed all the other women away to part the sea for me.

We talked about college, our respective degrees, our marriages. Turns out he's on the verge of divorce. He is shocked and disappointed his wife of nine months, with whom he has a four month old, prioritizes their newborn and her two teenagers from a previous marriage over him. Seriously. Dumb fuck. A four month old!

He needs to be junk punched if you ask me. I wanted to ask him if he thought hanging out with strippers all day was helping his marriage, why he was only willing to attend the five free EAP therapy sessions and not shell out the cash for more if he truly cared about his marriage, and why the hell he would impregnate a woman before knowing how much attention she planned to pay to their child. I mean, technically, he can still take the baby to one of those safe harbor places. Asshat.

Additionally, he's an attorney. Can't he afford a nanny? Or a babysitter for date night? Come on.

And then I realized what his problem was, nay! Is! He's an asshole. He's an asshole who needs to give me all the money in his wallet.

The rest is history.

Note to asshole: your marriage is about to end. That means you'll be billing a lot more hours. That means you'll need to come see me more often. Get on that. Thanks.

P.S. Your wife deserves a real man. You stupid fucker.

TTFN!

Strippers and Daddy Issues

My dad really pissed me off the other day, and since he doesn't yet know I'm a stripper (for no particular reason other than I want to tell him in person, and when he is alone, which evidently will take a fucking act of Congress), I had to strongly fight the urge to yell, "Oh, yeah, well your only child is a fucking stripper!"

Fucker.

Consequences

If you should decide to become alcoholically obliterated in a sexually oriented establishment, and certain fucked up individuals who need to suffer take advantage of the situation by, perhaps taking photos of you passed out naked, stealing your money, pointing and laughing, et cetera, then yes, they are probably doing illegal things. You should consult with your attorney about that and about how your case might go in court.

Also, you might want to consider not drinking so much. Four bottles of champagne is way too much to be consumed by one person. Just sayin'.